Hey, Dad. Remember that time Dan shot me in the ass with a BB gun and you spanked both of us for it?
I know you do because we talked about it a few weeks before you died. Dan still thinks I deserved it. You still thought I deserved to be spanked. I still think you’re both wrong.
That’s really the only time you spanked me that I can say I didn’t earn it. Countless other times, they came with good reason. There was the time I threw a wood block off Dan’s head from 100 feet. He got to you before I could bribe him with $20. There was the time I was punched the radio (guess I had the Webb temper until I grew up) because I couldn’t get the Royals game to come in.
As for the BB to the ass …
Dan and I had just received BB guns as a surprise gift from Dad. We immediately set out for target practice, lining up several soda cans and beer bottles on an old trailer.
We stepped back a whopping 20 feet or so, not nearly enough to be safe. Predictably, one of my shots went awry, ricocheting off the metal trailer and toward Dan. He went down like Frazier, crumbling to the baked dirt in our yard.
I knew I was in trouble. I tried to apologize, but I could see that look in eyes. I dropped my gun and took off. Unfortunately, I was a chunky kid and ran like Billy Butler. Still, I moved my legs and arms as fast as I could, racing toward you as you worked around the chicken coop.
Meanwhile, I looked over my shoulder several times and watched as Dan opened his BB gun and slowly poured BBs into it. He knew he had time. To this day, it plays like the scene in the second Rambo when Sylvester Stallone slowly draws an arrow with an explosive tip, takes aim and obliterates the enemy who killed his girlfriend.
I got within 10 feet of Dad when I felt a sharp pain in my ass. Like Dan, I went down like Frazier, crumbling to the baked dirt with tears in my eyes.
Dad, I’ve never seen you so mad. We both got whooped pretty good that day. At least I did after Dan swore I shot him on purpose. I didn’t, of course.
Oh well, it makes for a good story 35 years later. After all, I did get revenge a few years after that incident, “accidentally” shooting Dan in the ass with the same BB gun.
I will say our gun safety improved greatly after that day. Perhaps that was the point.
Miss you, old man, even if I didn’t deserve that spanking.