I wasn’t going to write this blog. I figured I’d go to sleep and forget about a tweet that really offended me. I know, I know. It’s social media, land of the offensive post, tweet, snap, etc. I’ve learned enough in my years of managing accounts for work to know that for everything great about social media, it often brings out the worst in people.
Before I type anymore, here’s the tweet:
Before I delve into this, let’s consider the source: Aubrey Huff. A former halfway decent major-leaguer who played for four teams over 13 seasons, Huff has taken his game to Twitter, where the above tweet is the latest in a series of controversial (some would argue clownish) takes on life.
I’m not going to lie, when a follower retweeted this with a not-so-pleasant retort, I took great offense to Huff sliding on yet another clown suit. Why? Because every sentence is a direct shot at stepdads, single moms and children everywhere.
So, let’s break this garbage down by sentence, beginning with “Why you would date or marry a single mother if you’re single with no kids of your own.”
I dated quite a bit before I met my wife. From age 21 to 34, I had a series of relationships, including one marriage with a miscarriage, that didn’t work out. Every single one of those women did not have children.
That said, I’d never even thought about not dating a woman with children. It was never something I thought would be a deal-breaker. We all have a history. Very few of us marry the first person we date. Hell, I’d argue it’s a good thing for many of us to go through relationships that don’t work to get to one that does work.
Before my wife and I started dating, I knew she had three kids. I also knew she was (is) an incredible person, smart, funny, hard-working, caring and kind. Not once did I say to myself, “I can’t date that woman because she has kids.” I love kids. I love our kids eight years into our marriage.
Lastly, I liked the idea of having a family. And family isn’t a single-definition word. They come in all shapes and sizes. We even discussed having a fourth kid after we got married. My loving wife told me she wanted to have one if I wanted one. For various reasons, many mine, we decided three was enough.
As for the second sentence: “Seems to me he doesn’t feel he has options or doesn’t value himself as a man.”
I’m not going to write that I was Casanova when my wife and I met. But I also was not Igor. From 2006 through 2011, the year my wife and I began dating, I was rarely single. When I wasn’t in a relationship, I dated. I had options.
As far as valuing myself as a man, I did not value myself as a man until a month before I began dating my wife, and that is one of the reasons the previous relationships didn’t work.
One of the most important moments in my life came in December 2010. When a bad relationship ended that month, and I was tired of being treated like shit, I walked into my bathroom, looked in the mirror and said: “You are a good person. You deserve the best. You will never accept anything other than the best again.” It was my Stuart Smalley moment.
Three weeks later, Shana and I had our first date. Eighteen months later, we were married. Ten years later, we are still incredibly happy and deeply in love. That does not happen unless I value myself.
Now, how about that last sentence: “I’d feel like I was a backup plan helping raise another man’s kids.”
This assumes that every biological father has a clue what he’s doing. I think millions of men have proven that many of them do not. Donating sperm does not make you a great father, nor does it mean you’re the best “plan.”
As a stepfather, the last sentence pisses me off the most. I never tried to be dad. The kids have one. But I also knew they needed a good father figure. They needed stability. They needed to see somebody treat their mother like the amazing woman she is.
It has taken years of hard work to build a father relationship with the kids. There have been plenty of bumps and a few harsh words. But I will always be the one who showed my stepsons how to shave. I’ll always be the one who took my youngest son to McDonald’s for a heart-to-heart talk the day after his first girlfriend broke his heart. And I will always be the one who walked my daughter through the process of choosing a college (M-I-Z), not to mention paying for a considerable chunk of her education.
And, to top it off, it’s hard to feel like a backup plan when a couple of the kids tell you, “You’ve been more of a dad to us than anyone” after several years of being there.
Beyond the man’s side of this ridiculous tweet … how demeaning is this to women? So, Huff is saying women shouldn’t leave a bad relationship and find somebody better? So, women have no value if they try to find somebody who treats their kids like his own? I’d argue the biggest mistake women make is not valuing themselves enough in choosing men who don’t deserve them.
Huff’s silly opinion also demeans children. Every child deserves to be loved. Why does it matter who’s raising a kid if they love them, cherish them and teach them how to be a good person?
Anyone who believes Huff’s bullshit take should be every woman’s backup plan.